22.

I turned 22 years old yesterday. *cue confetti

At some level for me, it was about the fanfare and/or the Instagram-i-bility of it all. The more the merrier. Quantity. Quantity. Quantity. The more friends and attention means more love right? It had to be that. I felt like a social cause. The more social media attention the better as well. Let’s all raise awareness for my birthday.

But this year, my birthday was different from the others. Not just because I’m an adult now; no I don’t believe that this shift in mindset came overnight and came just because my physical age turned 22. I believe it was through the moulding and conditioning over the years (especially in my 21st year) that allowed me to arrive here with this new mindset. It’s cliche I know to think “quality over quantity” but that was it this year. It really didn’t matter that my course mates didn’t greet me in the group chat nor the fact that there was almost zero mention on social media about this. It mattered that the people I love and who loves me back were with me in the day. They were there before my birthday. During my birthday and after my birthday more than happy to celebrate me over and over again.

It’s these people that I have poured so much of my life into and who has done the same that our lives are now intertwined with no going back. Like yarn so tangled together no one bothers to separate anymore. Jesse McCartney captured what I wanted on my birthday in the best (and catchiest) way. “I want you and your beautiful soul“. It wasn’t all the things money could buy but it was just celebrating me and celebrating us. It was all the personalised heartfelt messages I received that I carry with me (and an email) in my heart that reminds me that I’m not alone and as much as I’m on their team, they’re on mine too.

I appreciate the cakes, the meals, the presents but more than that it was that they made time to be with me. I cannot ever really truly put my feelings into words and even then it would be inadequate but I do sincerely cherish each and every one of them and I thank God that my 22nd was a truly wonderful birthday.

Another milestone.

My baby sister graduated guys! Granted, it’s just primary six and it’s just the PSRs but aargh can they just stop growing for awhile? I’d like to think I am always capable of protecting her. But dangit, I’m not. I’m incapable of such an incredible feat. So here’s to her and all the baby-siblings growing up and to us who would be there watching them, cheering them on and celebrating them.

 

Schlumberger Run 2016

Contrary to how it may seem in the title, it’s not an annual thing. It was one of those “hey our 80th anniversary is coming up, let’s hold a charity run to commemorate it” thing. I think.

Anyway, that’s not the important bit. So there I was in KB at my friend’s place so that I wouldn’t have to leave home at 4am the next day to get to Seria by 5:30. (The roads are scary at night and I have an overly active imagination. Plus the radio station doesn’t play nice songs at that time of the day). We were all on that “let’s sleep early because we have to wake up early” mindset until Dibah decided that it was perfect time to vacuum at 11 o’clock at night. Oh boy.

Nevertheless, we all woke up and managed to make it in time for the Zumba bit which we didn’t do at all because it seemed like one of those classes for how to dance seductively in clubs. Furthermore, in the 8km group, everyone seemed serious with their strap on water bottles, running watch and shoes. It was very intimidating and I remembered wondering what I was doing there.

….Zumba ended (thankfully so) and the air horn sounded and off we went. I kept telling myself “c’mon Dal. This is what you have been training for” and whatever stupid mantras one has read like “pain is weakness leaving the body” and ya di ya da. I managed to run the first 1.2km without stopping and when I stopped, I instantly regretted because uhmmm hello, the burn seemed more intense on my calves. Regrets for real. At moments where I walked and I see a water tent up front or a traffic police (to stop the cars and make sure we don’t die), I would run because sometimes have to pretend to look nice only then stop when I think they’re not looking.

As weird as it may sound, that made me run more than I normally would push myself to because there were traffic police everywhere. But towards the end, I couldn’t be bothered anymore. I also finished ahead of my running “friends” (word used lightly because I’m a creeper) that I tagged during the course of the run. One of the ladies (three of them in total), I’ve seen her before when I was training at the stadium and I FOUND HER TODAY GUYS! at church! ⛪️ Unfortunately we didn’t strike up a friendship then and there ☹️

Overall, the run was good. I managed to finish in under 1 hour and I also learned to go to the toilet prior to leaving the house for a run because I held it in the entire run and it was unpleasant. Also I definitely learned that I would like to run with the sun behind me as opposed to it being in front of me because it was hot and the heat was prickly and so it became a game of hide and seek for me.

(not even sorry for the blurry pics from my friends because sweat guys. sweat (on the phone screen or the arm strap thingy.)

So minus the fact that we were given bottles of water at the water stop and the fact that littering became acceptable and the people who played music out loud from their phone speakers, it was a good experience. Also we learned that people are savages and they cut queue and that if we want to have a better chance at winning the lucky draw prizes, we gotta be in either the 3km or the 5km category because all except one draw winner were from there. We live and we learn guys.

Speaking of learning, I learned that eating roti pisang 🍌 at Iskandar’s for lunch after all that was a big mistake but my little overly attached bobble head was there to annoy me with her ice crunching so it all evened out.

 

So we all do this. We click on links, we press that tagged IG user and sometimes we stumble upon hidden gems from the other side of the planet. Which was what happened to me when I pressed on the tagged user on Alex G’s post and voila I came across Torri Horness (and her page) – the well of beautifully worded poems (?) that have more than once spoken to me in whatever situation it was that I found myself in.

Whoever you may be, whatever you are going through, I am convicted beyond a shadow of doubt that you must follow her account: notesontheway

And if you are able to, get a physical copy of your favourite poem from her Etsy shop. It’s definitely better than having a screenshot of it in your phone (which is still quite snazzy if you’re living the dependent-must-budget-everything-uni-student-life like I am)

Just wanted to share with you my favourite words-related account. (Oh gosh I could have done a better job on the description but instead the best my brain can come up with with words-related ☹️)

life with so little photos.

Again we have the cheat updates. Just throwing em all out there. As of right now, there’s actually a fly buzzing around my room and it’s annoying me a lot but I also couldn’t be bothered. I thought I’d just let it die of suffocation but that doesn’t seem possible since even I’m not suffocating.

Pictures 1 & 2. (two stacked photos on the top left)

I was at Jing Chew with Bazilah and Dibah and during our conversation, they asked if I wanted to join them for this “sort of Amazing Race thing“. Since I had nothing going on that day, I said yes (while eating my very unhealthy plate of kuey tiaw and buns). I later found out that it was the NutriFIT Quest.

We were most definitely under prepared because all the other teams were like buff or had at least one buff member and definitely did not look like us. They all also had guys. But you know, as per usual, we just kind of winged it. Our team’s name was Diet-inda-menjadi (loosely translated to: Diet never happened/successful). Couldn’t have been more aptly named. In the end, we got 4th place🏅 (yes that’s right. Shameless medal for us). Surprise surprise right? 🎉 Oh and flour tastes absolutely disgusting. So disgusting and a whole gunk of flour was stuck to the inside-facing parts of my teeth. Eugh.

Picture 3

Diin and Chynna! Met up with them for our monthly meet up. Well we try to make it monthly if and when our schedule permits though we freely admit that we are glad to spend the night in just Netflix-ing. But we rest confident in the fact that we all love each other dearly. In the course of the 3 hour-ish meet up, we solidified the fact that Diin will always be (almost if not more than an hour late) and that we are tired by 9pm. But these are friendships that I’d give up 30 minutes of sleep for.

Now that I’m 21, when I look back on my life, I find that I don’t actually have a lot of friendships that I can or want to bring forward in my life. Most of my friendships (if you can call them that) are rubbish and though I don’t wish anything bad upon them, I just think that I’m better off without them. (If you must know, I am was a pushover but I’m working on it). So what little friendships I have brought over into my adult life, I do cherish them fiercely.

Picture 4, 5 & 6

Had breakfast with Jan. Went to the park with Jan. Played Jenga with Jan. T’was a Jan filled Saturday. Also joined the club and got myself a Boost juice. It was okay. Not life-changing. Sarita wouldn’t be pleased. Oh and Jan never played Jenga before?! AND he’s existed for 23/24 years. 😱 But thought the photo was taken from a good angle and though it made my head look egg-shaped, it makes me look not-as-chubby.

My panda plant 🐼🌱 grew! I have no idea what they are though. Looks like mini tauge (beansprouts) to me. I really prayed for the plants to grow because I wanted them to grow but the set came with these tiny stones? And tinier seeds? And a piece of string? So you might understand my anxiety. I remember the first time Bot tried to describe the panda plant set to me but I really couldn’t understand it. “It’s really cute babe” says the one who absolutely hates gardening. No relevance here I suppose but he was true to his word 😂. He sorta gardened with me (by getting me this cute set so I HAD to grow it).

Bazilah said that in my snap I look smaller and that she has to bring me out to eat to fatten me back up. Yep. That’s the face of the girl that constantly encourages me to eat. I love her to bits though. Just not so much the life-philosophy of complete self love where I just eat and eat and eat because big girl, you are still beautiful.

Oh and for the record, I did not lose weight. I mean I did then I gained it all back in a week of binge eating my feelings. 🙂🙃

…till then Peter Pan!

(and maybe till I learn to take more photos).

[ u p d a t e ]

I think the fly died (or is currently dying). The buzzing has stopped.

….I’ve never really been one to look back on photos but I was pleasantly surprised this time. (The one time I played dodgeball. *hah)

shout out.

“Shout out to my ex, you’re really quite the man” sings Little Mix and for this bit I agree with them in the exact same hateful tone.

It’s so cliche isn’t it to hate on someone once something is over but I suppose it can’t be helped. But when all the dust has settled, I find that the person I am most angry at is myself. I constantly told myself that what we have is temporary and it’s good. Well, I must have knocked my head real hard because nothing was good; and it definitely wasn’t worth losing myself over.

It was constant tiring and confusing and I had to constantly be the cool girl which I am not and I never will be and it sucked. It was bitter till the very end. I am most disappointed in myself especially when I think about the example I want to set for my little sister. This is not the person I want her to become and so why did I become it?

My mother didn’t labour to give birth to me for me to end up this way. As Mushu says “dishonour on you, dishonour on your cow” and he should have said “dishonour on your family”. I know it comes off strong but that’s truly what it feels like. To have let my parents down.

But it’s a break up and it’s broken and to that I say good riddance.

#eatlikeAngel week

Backstory:

This semester, we have our “Supervised Work Experience” (SWE). The non-fancy term would be work attachment or work placement. I got placed with this girl named Angelyana. Angel for short. She eats really slowly. I’d be done with my noodles and sausage and nuggets and she’d just be halfway into her noodles and barely touched her sausage or nuggets. So one day I thought, “alright. let’s try eating like Angel for a week (read: 5 days). Maybe that’s the secret to weight loss and will aid in eating properly”.

So I set the rules out for myself:

To eat like Angel would mean to:

1. Chew more before swallowing
2. Stop eating after I feel full

It was more difficult that I thought it was. First day was almost agonising. However I was surprised at how little I needed to eat before being full. I couldn’t even finish a croissant! I sliced the croissant in half to heat it up and I could barely finish it. So I had some again at 10am. And even then the croissant wasn’t finished! Crazy!

For lunch, I couldn’t finish a bowl of noodle soup. After ingesting 1/3 of the noodle soup, I was starting to feel full but continued eating anyway because I thought to myself “I’m going to run later on. Better fuel up.” At the halfway point, I gave up. I stopped eating and by then I was already forcing myself to eat.

As the days passed, I still found it difficult to control my greed. It didn’t really get that much easier but a little progress is some progress right?

At the end of the 5 days, I learned that I’ve been overfeeding myself and that I actually need only a portion of what I’ve been eating all this while. I also found out that Angel actually can eat more than I can. I’m just greedier with less self-control.

But looking back upon how much I’ve managed to control myself over the past 5 days does encourage me. It showed me that I can do this. I can in fact control my food and hopefully this will bleed over into making good food choices on a daily basis. I do find myself making wiser food choices and studying the food labels and their nutritional values more because I can only eat so much so I gotta eat the best. I think that’s a good mindset.

Of course upon typing this out, I’m just a day away from being able to eat my “cheat meal” and so there is comfort in that. But when Monday comes, I’m most probably going to agonise over it all once again. But it gets easier I’m sure.

Day 10,11 & 12: a whole lump sum of updates.

My days consist of streaming series online or watching Stranger Things on Netflix, labelling junk food in the drawer right next to me and getting reminders to not overeat from my friend(s).

I also have not been running or doing Pilates. But I’m okay with that. I’m also slowly cutting sugar out from my drinks – specifically tea. I love teh o (tea+sugar) though but as we all know, sugar isn’t that good for you. (do we all know this? I’m sure we do). I know how to drink tea without sugar but I used to just sort of miserably drink it. But I’m learning to really enjoy it. With the help of Alister who is such a tea enthusiast. It really does make you want to embrace tea and all it’s bitterness and aroma.

Day 8 & 9: t’was good then it wasn’t.

*shrugs

What can I say for myself? Nothing really.

Day 8

Today was a particularly good day. Sure I went to work bearing 2 small packets of Ruffles and 2 small ones of Lays and a 6-pack of *mumbles* low-fat milk (eugh.) Did I eat them? No. Of course not. I ate accordingly: had half a bowl of Asam Laksa (the instant kind unfortunately) for lunch and I did well -food wise. I even managed to not eat despite miss and Angel eating and though I had some Malteasers, I only had 4 pieces max.

Also today was the start of #eatlikeAngel week (read: 5 days) since she eats so slowly and so little it seems. So I thought I’d try it out. More on that some other time.

Ran my fastest 1km yet (about 7minutes plus) and so that’s good considering when I started out, I could barely run 400m. However, my triumphant feeling didn’t last very long as I felt I wasn’t good enough after seeing people who are running so effortlessly. I had to remind myself that it’s all about the baby steps. I think that it’s very important for me to feel proud of me.

Then I went home and did some Pilates (I’m currently following the beginner’s calendar 2.0 as I have to be gentle on my body and slowly build me up).

This is the drawer beside me at work. Felt really good saying no to all that. Yes. Good job Dal.

T’was a good day overall.
Day 9

Today just was an absolute bust.

I just went crazy. I had a packet of Ruffles (you may or may not hear me indignantly exclaiming: “BUT IT WAS A SMALL ONE!”) and then another one of Lays when Miss, Angel and I went walking around the deserted compound.

*shrugs.

Had more than a handful of Malteasers too.

no Dal don’t

In my shame, I had to label my food^.

Oh it’s so painful recollecting all of that. Let’s just forget this day even happened.