It’s a little bit like this: “I don’t hold/have anything against you but I also don’t have anything to do with you“.
We had a thing for slightly over a year. Hah. A thing. What a time to be alive when nothing is clearly defined. While it was happening, I knew that it wasn’t right. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t something that I should have been a part of. But oh I liked it. I liked the attention. I liked the ego boost. I really liked it. Though it fed the shallow parts of me, it was slowly killing the very heart of who I am as a person.
Thinking back on how we were made very little sense to me. Some parts did and some parts didn’t. Most of it didn’t. It also caused me to re-evaluate myself. Was I so desperate for attention and some sort of validation (no matter how “small” like him dating/choosing me) that I was willing to trade in who I am and my moral values?
I’m not saying that the relationship (if it can be called that) was complately bad. I had some good times and I learned a lot about myself though only at the end of it. But did it have to come to that? Couldn’t I actually have been smart and listened to myself and not have to go through this in the first place? Though it is always good to learn about yourself, I personally think that putting myself through this was useless and really just as if I slipped on a banana peel in Mario Kart. It slows down already good progress and you have to work a bit harder to catch up.
But with that said, I suppose it’s also okay because now I have this memory of what an idiot I was and a constant reminder to never do that again.
Looking back, I marvel at the way I tried so hard to reason with myself; to make excuses to try to validate the relationship. Putting him on some sort of pedestal when really it was not close to anything I really wanted or needed. But I kept giving leeway, giving chances even when I needed him. Justifying his actions and/or absences. I should have known then and there. I should have known at the amount of “lowkey-ness” our relationship took. That is always a good sign to take note of and to run the other direction and not look back.
But he’s not the bad guy. I was the one. I knew full well what it would be but I decided to turn a blind eye. He just didn’t know how to be what I wanted/needed nor could he become the person I needed I think. I wanted and needed someone who was so much more; even beyond what he could ever achieve.
But at the end of the day, what really stands out to me even now is that we were so different in every way; and not in the good way where we cause each other to grow and introduce each other to new things. But in the we never found common ground way and in the end, I morphed myself into someone I didn’t like. Someone that was so far away from who I am. I tried to fit into his mould. I tried to be a lot of things and for some time I think I could keep the facade up but at the end of the day, I was sad because I just wasn’t me.
I think that I’ve learned here is that I am willing to change myself just to be liked but that I should not because after taking stock of who and what I am, I believe that I am wonderful as is and I if I were to change, it would be my conscious (and calculated) decision of changing myself for the better and not changing in the hopes that another person would love me more. Not changing and becoming a shell of what I truly am.
So after typing all this out, I would never wish a “bad” relationship upon anyone but for those of us who have gone through it, I believe that it really is an experience that makes us stronger and wiser. So though I didn’t like it, I appreciate it now in hindsight for it made me realise the flaw in my character and allows me to become more conscious and self-aware.
And whoever is reading this who is/was on the same boat, then bbgurl (or bb boy), you are wonderful and gold and glittering. ❤️