of break ups & myself

[note: I wrote this on my old blog a while back which has been deleted but I don’t want to forget I ever wrote this so I’m reposting it here.]

How does one say this without sounding weird?

“My relationship broke down?” “My boyfriend and I decided we weren’t compatible?” “My boyfriend and I broke up?”…..

….well you get the gist of it. I’m no longer in a relationship and I’m not here to talk about why it happened or what I could have done differently (which in hindsight are quite a lot of things). I am here to tell myself and to tell you (if you are going through the same thing) that it’s okay. Yeah we say that all the time. Be it to ourselves or to our friends. “It’s going to be okay” that we almost become desensitised to the hope that is attached to such a wonderful phrase. I don’t pretend to be an expert in this and it’s only the fifth day and it still sucks but I make up my mind everyday that I will be a little trooper and soldier on in the best way I can and the best part is that you can too despite it being ridiculously difficult especially if your relationship was a long one and you really believed in a “forever after” for the both of you.

It still claws through my open wound at the thought of someone else loving him and he loving someone else but you know what, that shouldn’t paralyse you and hinder you from living your life. Yes, I completely agree in the grieving for the broken relationship but I wouldn’t chase it. I wouldn’t beg. I wouldn’t whine about it. I would simply live each day the best I can. How unbelievably but wonderfully cliche that is. I will be the happiest I’ve ever been. I will be brave. I will cry at nights when I’m left alone but I will also wipe my snot off my face once I’m done bawling my eyes out and carry on with my day. I will immerse myself into everything I’ve committed myself to, be it work, studies, extracurricular activities and I will excel at it because at the end of the day, I told myself that I will not give him or others the satisfaction of knowing that he has managed to successfully destroy me.

I will start loving myself and look into the mirror and see the most beautiful person on earth and I will not think “if only I were slimmer” “if only I were more patient” “if only I didn’t laugh so much” because you know what, that’s all me. All of that is me. If I had to change myself to fit his mould then that’s not the way it should be. Someone will love me for me and for all my days, I will love me for me and I will stop apologising for being who I am.

And so my dearest friend, stop thinking of the ever vicious “if only”s because it wouldn’t lead you anywhere except lower and lower unto the pit of sadness and self-hate. You are truly beautiful and no matter the circumstances that brought about your break up, you will not be broken forever. Take time to grieve for what was and wake up one day dusting yourself off and deciding that you are a little trooper and that you will soldier on because the world is still yours for the taking.

My dear, you have so much left to give. So much more love to give (not necessarily talking about the romantic sort of love). You have a heart and soul larger than the universe. I’d be blessed to know you and guess what sweetie, the 7 billion people on this planet would think so too.

You’ve got this. I’ve got you.